Chapter 1
I never believed the world could stand still until today.
The morning started out quiet enough. It was unusually warm for early March, and my scarf felt heavy around my neck as I made my way from the subway station to the block that housed St. Catherine's. My necklace was like ice on my skin as a breeze chilled the gold locket. Alexandra Leigh Morris was scrolled on the outside, and a picture of our family at the Lake house was tucked inside. It was taken last summer. A month before our portraits were to be taken both of my little brothers broke their arms, Nixon while playing soccer and Jackson fell out of a tree a week later. The twins paraded their first casts around like trophies, even in the small picture you could tell how proud of themselves they were.
I caught my reflection in one of the store front windows and sighed. This morning my dark curly hair was in a knot at the back of my head held in place with a pen from my desk. As per usual the short strands that framed my face seemed to stick out in tiny curlicues, as if I had poked my finger in an electrical socket. My curls never seemed to want to do anything but stick out all over the place, and refused to obey even handfuls of bobby pins. I ran my fingers back through my hair, stomping on newspapers that had blown across the sidewalk.
As I ignored the reflection in the windows I wished for the millionth time that I looked more like my mom whose delicate beauty had caught and held the love of the "Golden Boy" of the cities law world. Their Love at First Sight was the story that put me to bed for most of my growing up years.
The long list of stuff I had to do was scrolling through my mind as I headed towards the tall wrought iron gate where my best friend Kadee waited. She was attracting the gazes of the surrounding male population but not paying attention to anything but her phone that linked her to her boyfriend. Nick was already stuck in his early start period of Chemistry who normally would have been standing next to her, probably making her laugh with his corny jokes. Kadee was one of those people who was so beautiful that you wanted to hate, but somehow just couldn't, mostly because she was too nice.
"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!" I growled under my breath as the pen holding my hair fell out. I yanked the strands viciously away from my face and struggled to get them back in a bun. As I walked up, Kadee slipped her phone into a pocket, and smiling pushed my hands away from my head, swiftly but gently catching it all up in a rubber band from around her wrist. Why did my hair behave her and not me? Stupid.
She linked her arm through mine as we made our way up the marble stairs and through the masses of uniformed bodies.
"What's stupid?" She asked.
"My hair, Mondays, home work, the usual." I replied
The navy and dark gray plaid of the uniforms stood in stark contrast to the silver white of the granite that faced most of the school's buildings. Catching sight of a group of older girls I muttered, "We are adding the "B-Squad" to the Stupid list of the morning".
The Queen Bee and her B-Squad were the Popular group of girls at St. Catherine's, I always thought I could come up with a fairly good list of other fitting descriptions of them that started with the letter B.
"Lexie? Did you hear me?"
"What? Sorry." I started, and looked back at my friend.
"How was the train?" Kadee asked, trying to distract me from the glares of the groups leader.
"Good, as usual," I said staring at the floor.
"You really should let me pick you up. It would be a lot faster than public transportation". She said public transportation like it was a dirty word.
"No, it's okay. I like the train" I said, following the ritualistic first conversation of the morning. And usually it was true, I did like the train. It gave me rare time to my self that were usually too packed with school, friends and homework to have much down time.
I smiled as Kadee's phone buzzed and she yanked it out of her pocket, scanned the message and tapped her reply.
"How's Nick?" I asked.
"Good. Bored." She said, and flushed pink.
Kadee and Nick had just made the transition from friends to dating last week, much to the dismay of most of the boys in our school. Most of the students like Kadee and I had attended St. Catherine's since primary school. Nick was an exception, having moved to the city the previous year. He had joined our small group of friends and the rest was history.
"How is that going?" I asked
"Um.Good." and after a pause, "But he is spending a lot of time at home because his mom is still going nuts."
Kadee didn’t sound too happy about this. Nick's cousin Brandon was moving in with them next week and his mom, a serious perfectionist, wanted everything to be ready when he arrived. Even though his house swarmed with a small army of household staff, Nick was required to be at home during what he termed "the hostile takeover". I smiled at this, doubting that all the time in the world with Nick could ever be enough for Kadee who had harbored a growing crush on him for the past couple of months.
Once inside, we walked down the main hall and across a small walkway to the chapel and made our way to our normal seats in the back for Morning Prayer. St. Catherine's had made the transition to a non-denominational school ten years ago, but still maintained the Morning Prayer ritual that had been around since the school's foundation in 1880, although now it was used for announcements from the administrators as well as a small thought by one of the school's four Prefects. Meegan, one of the Senior Prefects, had just begun her announcement for a change in time for this weekends rugby match when Nick slid into our bench, flashing me a brief smile as he settled next to Kadee and took her hand. Meegan scowled in our direction, not much got passed her as the self proclaimed Queen Bee and undisputed leader of the B-Squad at St. Catherine's. Her icy blue gaze flicked away from our small group and back to the paper in her hand as if we were not worthy of her attention.
"We also want to let everyone know that the girl's lacrosse Spring Team is hosting tryouts this Saturday at 8:00 am at the North Field." Groans issued from around the large hall at their designated sleep time being interrupted at such an early hour.
I tuned out the rest of the announcements as I leaned back and slouched against the hard wooden back of the pew and gazed upwards. The tall gothic style chapel had always been my favorite building on the small campus. It felt so old and knowledgeable, as if it had seen the world pass by outside those tall mullioned windows.
When the announcements were over, the thought was given by Jared, a tall Senior who was the Head Prefect and Meegan's current conquest. After the school was dismissed I waved bye to Kadee and Nick and headed towards my first class of the day. The History rooms were located in the north wing of the main building and the windows faced the big trees that lined the front walls of the school.
I took my normal seat next to one of the windows and pulled out my homework, prepping myself for the boredom that was European History. I smiled at Heather and Erin as they slid in the seats next to me. Although Heather was pale with white blonde hair and Erin was a transfer student from India with skin the color of creamy coffee and masses of black hair, they were so alike that it was sometimes hard to tell where one stopped and the other started.
"Did you see Meegan's Jimmy Choo boots?" Heather asked, as if I wanted to notice the person whose sole purpose in life was to make others miserable.
"They were so amazing." Erin said.
They looked as if they were about to die with envy.
"I wonder how she got them so early, they aren't even supposed to hit the runway until next week." Heather sighed.
I smiled, knowing they would probably commit murder to get a hold of the chocolate over the knee boots that were going to be The Item this season.
"Too bad she is such a Poo that she would bite your head off if you dared to ask. But I my guess is that her mom pulled strings." I said. The whole world knew that Meegan's mom, Lanett VanAllen practically ruled the fashion world as the Editor in Chief of the industry's leading magazine.
They smiled at my use of Poo, having informed me constantly that Poo was a term usually used by those still in Primary School. Meegan, they said, was a Bitch. But my mother never approved of foul language, so I never acquired the skill that it takes to craft a good insult. Jason, a fellow track member patted my head in greeting as he walked past. He shook his head at my name-calling and slouched into the chair behind mine.
Erin opened her mouth, probably to correct my description of Meegan, as Dr. White coughed the opening of his lecture. She rolled her eyes and turned to face the board. It took only a few moments for the drone of Dr. White's lecture to lull me into the doze that would last for the rest of the morning. Most of the students said that Dr. White's lectures were as colorless as his name, and just as interesting. He had the unique talent that some teachers seem to possess of putting students to sleep. His voice blended in with the droning of the vent that was blowing out warm air by my side. Enjoying the warmth, I smiled to myself, and started plotting the afternoons shopping trip with my mom that would start as soon as she got home from her Doctor's appointment that afternoon. My mom and dad had been out of the country for most of the last few weeks, and as was tradition, a shopping trip was planned.
We rarely bought anything on these outings, instead walking around the Avenues down town with warm drinks or juice and wandering the boutiques that lined the streets. I hopped the Doctor's appointment wouldn’t run late because if we had enough time, we could enjoy a small stop at our favorite gelato café before we met my dad for dinner at Tuscany.
The rest of the day seemed to drag by as slowly as History, but soon the bell was ringing and students were swarming out of the school, making it look like an ant hill that’s been kicked. As I finished shoving my books into my bag from my locker, someone's elbow jabbed into my side making the books in my arms scatter on the floor.
"Move." came Meegan's voice as she opened the locker next to mine.
"Oh. Um. Sorry." I said, reaching to gather spilled textbooks. Meegan didn’t reply but gave me one of her signature frosty glares, the one that said, You and I are not even from the same universe. And silently I agreed. I wanted no place in the world that she was determined to rule.
As I made my way home, I was glad that Heather, Erin or Kadee had not been there to see the newest in a long line of wonderful moments with the Queen Bee. They were always telling me that I should stop taking her crap, but I knew that would cause much more trouble than it was worth, and after suffering with her since the first grade, I decided that I could live with it for three more, and then we would graduate and I would be rid of her.
As I opened our tall front door, and set my bag down I saw the note on the table in the entry hall. Snatching it up, I read my moms neat but loopy writing.
Gone to the doctor's appointment with Dad.
Back before you know it.
xoxoxo, Mom
I hoped that they wouldn’t be too late, and headed up the stairs and down the long hallway to my bedroom. With my parents gone, and the twins at Space Camp, the house was unusually quiet. I was halfway through the next day's math homework when I heard the front door open and shut. Shopping sounded a lot better than homework. I started gathering the books that had been spread all over my bed as my mom and dad knocked and opened my door. My mom's eyes were red, and my dad had his business face on. My mom sat down next to me on the bed smoothing the perpetual wrinkles out with delicate fingers as my dad pulled my desk chair over to face us.
Turning to me, my mom laid her hand on mine and said, "Alexandria," Something must have been wrong because my mom never called me Alexandrea.
"We need to talk."
"Okay.." I said worried about what had got my mom so upset.
" I have breast cancer."
The world stood still.
My thoughts seemed to scatter like startled birds and I couldn't focus on anything but that horrible word. Cancer. In a stunned haze I listened as they explained.
"You know that sore spot that I had under my arm?" My mom asked. She was speaking very slowly, like every word was causing her pain.
I nodded and she continued.
"Well, I went into the Doctor last week and they found a tumor in my left breast that was causing the lymph nodes under arm to swell up. They did a biopsy on Thursday and we got the results back today."
"Why?" I said, "Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?"
My dad looked at my mom then back at me and answered, "We didn’t want to worry you. We had no idea weather it would be a benign tumor that could be easily removed, or if it would actually turn out to be cancerous."
I wanted to smile at my dad's consistent over protectiveness, but my whole body felt num and frozen. As I looked down I was surprised to find wet spots sparkling on the tops of my crossed arms.
"What are we going to do?" I asked, forcing my voice not to tremble.
"We don’t know much yet," My dad said, "The doctors ran more tests today, and we will go back in the morning to talk to them and start some more in depth scans."
I could tell that my dad was trying to handle this like one of his difficult cases, taking it step by step.
I didn’t want to sound childish, but the question slipped out before I could stifle it, "Are you going to die?" I wished I could grab the words back as soon as they escaped. She sucked in her breath and her chin trembled. My dad came over, and sitting between my mom and I, pulled us together. I threw my arms around my dads chest and held on, praying that if I didn’t let go that everything would be ok.
"No. It will be fine" My dad said as if he could make it true by sheer force of will. I didn’t know how long we sat there, but it felt like too soon when my mom got up.
"I have to walk. I have to think." She said.
My dad got up, and stood next to her. She leaned on him, as if he were the only solid thing in the middle of a storm. My dad squeezed my hand as they left my bed room. A moment later I heard the front door open and close again knowing that they would head to the park down the street where my mom went to do all of her major thinking.
I sat on my bed in a stupor. This can't be happening to her. She's perfect. She doesn't smoke, she exercises, she is a healthy person. They must have made a mistake. It's wrong. Just wrong. I sat on my bed for the rest of the afternoon, waiting to hear them come home, but fell asleep before the front door could creak open.
I dreamed that I was walking through our house, but it has too many doors and hallways. I was looking for something, opening the all of the doors and checking the rooms. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew that I needed to find it soon. As time passed, my search became frantic and I began running down the endless hallways and throwing open the doors only to find empty rooms that felt vaguely unfamiliar, the marble floors echoed my foot steps.
